capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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