I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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