I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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