just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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