I puked a lego.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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