what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
