he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
