Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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