How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
