just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
