Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
