Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
