hell yes lets make some ravioli
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
