I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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