I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
