my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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