You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
