it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
