I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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