I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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