I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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