hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
