i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
