My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
