Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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