ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
