Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
