4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
