Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
