stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
