My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
