i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
