i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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