i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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