new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
