hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
