he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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