Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
