My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
