Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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