One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
