Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
