I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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