I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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