um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
