He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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