i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
