Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
