if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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