There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
