You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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